Grief & ringing the bell

So much in my life is shadowed right now.  Each day I wake unsure as to almost everything in my life.  Six weeks ago I was married, today I am single and walking through the most contentious divorce that I have ever conceived of.  Six weeks ago I knew nothing of toxic narcissistic abuse and the insidious nature upon its victims, but today I am dealing with almost three years of its aftermath.  I am quite literally walking in shadowlands.  Every single day explosives are set upon my pathway ready to detonate and disturb any minuscule semblance of peace has been gained in my now quiet home.  

My therapist tells me that anytime you grieve, all past grief compounds the current grief, and I am feeling that…I miss my deceased husband, Stan, who was a real and true husband in EVERY sense and definition of that word! I miss him so bad I almost cannot stand up out of bed in the morning.  I ache in every fiber of my being for him like he died yesterday.  Compound grief is no lie.  But, I am also learning that muscle memory, especially in grief, is superior!  I am remembering that I know how to deal.  I know how to keep my head up and look for the good even on really rough days.  I remember how to be present to the good even on days that are full of gut-punches.  My previous training is all coming back and I am getting back to my “fighter’s weight.” 

Losing my beloved husband 6 years ago is Nothing in comparison to what I am walking through now.  I have endured the worst thing.  Past tense.  I lost the love of my life.  I watched him die of cancer.  I watched my girls grieve the loss of their dad.  And then, watched as they slowly, painstakingly, came alive again.  If I can beat that hell back, ring the hell out of that day, this temporary mess is nothing really…smoke and mirrors.  This I can do!  This is the playground for the Holy Spirit and His chosen ones, those who lean into the mystery!  This is the arena for the brave and bold hearts who don’t run, but stand and fight!  And, you can bet your sweet little ass this is not only making me better, it’s bringing my God ordained destiny directly into my lap!